Off the Wagon

yup! It's been 10 months to the day since my last post. I fell off the wagon. Again. The diet was fairly successful. I was down to 214 pounds ... less then I have weighed in years! Yay me!

And then life got in the way. A new job, a stressful time in my marriage, rebellious kids all add up to 20 pounds. Yes, I'm ashamed to say I've regained 20 pounds. Just goes to prove that you don't lose weight by simply shedding the pounds. It's lifestyle, it's attitude, it's control, it's sooooo much more.

Anyway, here goes number umpteenth and one. My new first step.

Lessons My Children Taught Me

Ok, now this thing was supposed to be easy! Yet even when I do manage to find the time to sit and blog, I find I'm constantly interrupted with phone calls, teenage drama, emotional meltdowns or arguments over clothes, make up, flat irons, the computer etc, etc, etc, etc.

I've registered my team Donna's Dragonflies for the Canadian Cancer Society's Relay for Life. This is my 3rd year participating in honour of my best friend Donna. We are coming up the first anniversary of Donna's death from metastatic breast cancer. I miss her everyday! I can still hear her familiar 'hi, it's me' just as clearly as I can hear my girls laughing down the hall. Many times I feel completely lost without her friendship. My goal for the relay is to personally raise $500 in her name.

Dieting is very sloooooooooooooow. I'm stalled at 245. I haven't yet learned to not use food as comfort. When I feel overwhelmed (which is more often then not these days), eating is the only thing I feel I have control over. As a teenager I used to starve myself to show others I had control, and now as an adult I do the opposite and binge to feel like I'm in control. What the hell am I trying to prove, and to whom? Can someone please explain to me why when I'm pissed off at work do I feel I have to go home and eat 3 plates of dinner just to 'show her?' More importantly, can someone tell me how to stop? Hopefully things will start to settle down at work soon, as there are only 15 days until Dr. Z leaves the practice. I heard a line in a movie recently which pretty much sums up my job .... "I'm in a job with little pay and no respect - but one which I happen to love."

I strive to lead my children by example but do find myself more often then I'd like in one of those do as I say, not as I do situations. This week was one of those such situations. I have tried to raise my kids to always look for the good in people and situations and not just focus on the negative. They will always come across people in their lifetime who they aren't going to like or get along with, but try to find at least one good quality in each person. Especially when they have had a bad day, I try to get them to name at least one good or positive thing that happened. The other day, after a usual stressful day at work, I came home to the girls arguing and proceeded to rant about how crappy my day at work had been and how I really wasn't in the mood for more stress at home. In the middle of it all, Gingo stopped me and asked me if there was anything good about my day. Pudge joined her and I soon found myself smiling at my 2 youngest children who had just made me eat my own words.

Thank you Pudge and Gingo. Not only did you teach me a lesson, but you more importantly proved that even though I often feel like I'm banging my head against a wall when it comes to parenting, I am actually getting through. I love you guys!

Believe .... By Wish Belkin, © 2002

Believe in rewards that await you,
believe in the harvest in store.
Believe that the spring will awaken,
believe you'll be sowing once more.
Believe that there's a tomorrow,
where no one cares if you can't dance.
Believe in the future's promise,
each new day brings a new chance.
Believe you can make you goals happen,
they're just dreams with a deadline attached.
Believe that you have the power,
believe that you're more than a match.
Believe in a shared existence,
you're not alone this is true.
Believe that right now there is someone,
who believes in the wonder that's you.

Girl's Night Countdown

Reward Day ... weigh in today 245 and 3/4. It's been a loooong week. Stress at work, fighting at home. Unfortunately for me, stress equals eating. Our luncheon at work today was Chinese Food - my favourite! We don't have it at home, because for a family of 7 it's outside our budget so it's a big treat for me when we have it at work.

Friday night I'm off to JW's until Saturday. I'm really looking forward to some girl time. Away from the kids, away from hubby, away from patients and doctors. Down time to relax, have a few drinks and gab with a friend. Originally we were going to get together Sunday, but hubby and I are having a Super Bowl mini-party on Sunday. Does wanting to get away for a day so bad make me a bad mother/wife? I know I'll come home in a better frame of mind .... JW and I will each vent about our hubbies, our kids, our bills, our jobs. She'll tell me what she agrees with, and also when I need to grow up and get over it. I'll take comfort in knowing I'm not the only one going through these things and that I'm not crazy ... and I'll feel better.

A Work in Progress

Saturday morning and instead of my usual routine of laundry and cleaning, here I am sitting in front of this computer marvelling at all the things I can do in my blog. There's calanders to share! pictures to upload! links to add! Hubby registered for his blog just before he took the kids bowling. If he gets into it like I'm getting into it, he's just going to have to get his own computer! I haven't been on the computer since Donna died almost 10 months ago. Last week I even went out for tea with Barb and Susan for the first time since. Creating this blog is like taking a step. A Work in Progress ... both the blog and the blogger.

Finally, the week is over

It's Friday... finally. This has been an extremely long week. Work is insanely busy these days, even more so then usual. Dr. Z is leaving the practice at the end of February which will leave us with 3 full time MDs plus the residents. The stress and resulting infighting between doctors and staff has everyone on edge. I'm sooooo loooking forward the weekend.

Weigh in this morning was 246 3/4 pounds. The great thing about weighing yourself on a doctor's scale is that it IS accurate to that quarter pound ..... of course I'm only thankful when that quarter pound is in the loss column and not the plus column! It's also important to note that I started journaling at 247 pounds, but I started my diet at 252 pounds. That's a drop of 5 and one quarter pounds. Not a bad first 2 weeks.

It was a P.A. day for the kids, so they were all home today. Lou went to the movies with her friends; George had Kyle and Sarah over to watch movies; Pudge went sledding with her friends and Gingo went to sleep over at Gramma's. BG has to work this weekend so he isn't coming home. All in all, it was a quiet evening. My sisser came over and had a couple of drinks with hubby and I. So far, a great start to the weekend.

Sense and Discipline

5 or so years ago, diet number six-hundred-and-something-or-other was a Weight Watchers plan. SUCCESS! for as long as I counted the POINTS. After reaching the 33 pound mark on the weight loss scale, I felt I was strong enough to go off my diet "just over the Christmas holidays" so as not to feel I was cheating myself out of some Christmas cheer. I resigned myself to the fact that I might gain 5-10 pounds in doing so, but that as soon as January 1st rolled around I would knuckle down and get right back to counting points ....... yes, yes that is HONESTLY what I believed at the time - stop laughing! Anyway, those 33 pounds (plus another dozen or two) flew back on in no time.

Why do I begin Day 1 reflecting back on 5 years ago? Well, it's because during my Weight Watchers days I was trained to allow myself a 'reward day'. As long as I met my weekly goals and my Saturday weigh in was not on the plus side, I allowed myself a 'treat meal' on Saturday evening which was a point free (in other words FORBIDDEN) meal. Now, working in a doctor's office, we have a weekly luncheon with a drug rep from one of the many pharmaceutical companies. These luncheons do not consist of 'diet' meals. Instead of munching on wilted lettuce and brown apple from home, silently resenting my (thin) co-workers while I drool over their 3 course meal selection, I have decided to allow myself these Thursday lunches as my reward meal. Am I misleading myself now, as I did 5 years ago with my Christmas cheer? I hope not. I am trying to use some sense and discipline and make a healthier menu choice, with a salad on the side and no dessert. I am not counting POINTS on this diet ... in fact, I'm not on any of the official weight loss plans. Sense and discipline is the name of the game for this diet as I strive to use both.

Day 1 of my journal begins on 'Reward day' January 25, 2007. Weigh in this morning was 247 pounds.

Welcome

Losing It ... 2 little words which seem to define my entire life these days. Hopefully I'll lose more pounds then mind - time will tell. As a married mother of 5 children, working full time in a Family Physician's office odds are I will lose my sanity far faster then I'll shed the 100 (yes, that's one HUNDRED!) extra pounds I've been carrying since the birth of my second child. However, as I endeavour to conquer my umpteenth diet, my hope is that journaling my successes and failures both at weight loss and parenting will serve to help me triumph over both of these life challenges.

Sit back ... grab a snack (fat free, of course!) ... and let the race begin!