A Day with Gramma.

So I had lunch with my Grandmother today.

She's 85 and has been blessed with good health. She still lives on her own and is completely independent and self sufficient. My sister and I were going weekly for a couple of years when my grandfather was ill and following his death. Last summer we cut back to every other week and then more recently cut back again to once a month. I would like to see her more, but we have to travel to see her and with work and family commitments I just couldn't keep up the weekly or even biweekly schedule. Phone calls help to bridge the time between visits.

It saddens me sometimes that people don't take the time to spend with aging relatives. Sometimes I think there is a disconnect between generations ... and often we just become so absorbed in ourselves and our lives that we don't make the time for them. I'm guilty of this as well, having cut back on our visits over the last year.

I value this time with my Gramma and love to here her stories of long ago. My other Gramma, battling Alzheimers and dementia, lives in a nursing home now and I spend Wednesday evenings with her. I miss the days when she could share stories, offer words of wisdom and a be shoulder to cry on. Her illness stole her away from the rest of us many years ago and left us with her physical presence alone.

If you are fortunate enough to have aging relatives still living in your family, take the time to appreciate them. Spend a day with them and be generously rewarded with their love. Tell them you love them and give them a hug. We never know when our family treasures will be stolen from us.

Enjoy them today.

A Day of Remembrance

Grampa,

We had a beautiful day today to mark the one year anniversary of your passing. We spent the day as you would have wanted ... everyone together; laughing; lunch and lots of treats!

No doubt you were there with us, and laughing at our 'comedy of errors' when we were trying to fill the vase with water. We could hear you laughing, asking "how many people does it take ..."

Know that we love you, and we miss you. Especially when we're all together.

Keep smiling down on us. We take great comfort knowing you're there.

7 Stores and a Restaurant.

First a stop at the Supercentre for dishwasher tabs (with bonus jetdry!) at a whopping $6.50 off with coupon.

Second stop at Home Outfitters to check out the baking sheets, loaf pans and muffin tins - but they didn't have the kind we were looking for. Everything else too expensive, so we left after just a few minutes ... but not before stopping to discuss and ponder the Magic Bullet.

Third stop - a unscheduled stop - to Walmart to look for the baking sheets we couldn't find at stop 2. Success here; found everything but the mini muffin trays and 1/2 loaf pans.

Fourth stop at BulkBarn. Auntie E had been there earlier in the week to buy spices, but didn't label the bags so Nana needed to match up the numbers with the spices. Also picked up some golden raisins for the rice pudding, seasoned salt and more baking sheets.

Fifth stop at Kitchen Stuff Plus with a longer list: spice rack (2 - 1 for daily spices & 1 for baking spices), senior-friendly 'pop-top' canisters, pyrex bakeware (4 of various shapes/sizes)
and probably more, but I'm not sure at this point.

Lunch was next because the last scheduled stop was for groceries and Nana didn't want to leave food in the truck in the heat. We ate at Mama's which has become our "regular" spot of late. Nana had one egg scrambled with bacon, homefries and toast; Wee had a toasted western on brown with a side of onion rings and I had a chicken wrap with a side of fries. Good conversation and laughs over an enjoyable meal, and then it was on to what was supposed to be our last stop.

Sixth stop at A&P. Nana pulled out her list including milk, bread, dijon mustard, butter and jello powder. In addition picked up some gladware containers, sweet treats and icecream bars. Realized while looking at the list that she forgot to pick up some Immodium, a toilet brush and a birthday card. These were essentials and deemed another unscheduled stop necessary.

Seventh and final stop at Zellers. A quick trip in proved successful for 2 out of the remaining 3 items. The toilet brush, it was decided, could wait until our next shopping day in 2 weeks.

Back to the house to unload and wash all her new treasures. Over tea, more conversation and laughs. A quick lightbulb change, mirror wiped and toilet cleaned and we had successfully completed all of our scheduled tasks.

3 pairs of tired feet. 2 missed naps. 1 productive day.

Another fantastic visit with our grandmother.

Another day 2 sisters spent together laughing, teasing and enjoying eachother's company.

#73: Write about the best day you ever spent with your mom.

Wow. This one's a tough one.

Having never been close to Gramma growing up, we didn't spend a lot of time together. It's only been in the last few years as you guys have gotten older that Gramma and I have what could actually be called "a relationship."

I guess if I had to pick a day, it would be the first day I really started to understand her. The day I became a mother. When I became pregnant at 18, Gramma was, to say the least, upset. She became pregnant with me at a young age and of course had hoped I would learn from her mistakes. I, on the other hand, liked to challenge authority and prove it was "my life; my choice." However, as someone told me early in my pregnancy, a baby brings it's own love - and sure enough, by the time I was ready to give birth Gramma was excited at the arrival of the new baby.

Mid way through my pregnancy, bg's father and I had already parted and gone our separate ways. My best friend's mother had been very supportive to both me and Gramma during this time and had graciously accepted my request to be my labour coach. She went to the birthing classes with me and arrived at the hospital ready to do her job when the big moment arrived. Gramma didn't leave my side during the entire labour and when it came time to be taken to the delivery room, Marianne leaned down and gave me a hug. She told me she would absolutely follow through with what she had agreed to do 6 months prior .... but told me that my mom really wanted to be there with me. She asked me if that was ok, and to be honest at that particular moment I really didn't care. I was in too much pain to worry about who came into the delivery room and who waited outside.

I just wanted that baby out!

Gramma did come in with me, and we cried together after the birth of my first born.

For as much as I had been warned, my life really did change on March 14th, 1988. Slowly, and with a lot of resistance at times, I started to see Gramma differently from that day forward. Understand her a little more.

Respect her a lot more. Love her, for perhaps, the first time.

The best day ever spent with my mom.

Lucille may have left you with a crop in the field, but she brought my Gramma back to me.

Even if just for one song.

I don't have many memories of my Gramma Rogers growing up. But the ones I do have are very vivid. I've always credited her for my love of country music. Classic country specifically. I have early memories of being in her kitchen, with the comforting warm smell of delicious in the air and the sweet sound of her singing Patsy, Kitty, Loretta, Hank et al.

I remember picnics in the park and breakfasts with Santa. Falling asleep on the living room couch watching tv at night. Being allowed to go to the corner store by myself, like a big girl. Travelling on the street car. Feeling special.

Gramma was never a big part of our childhood - there was tension and conflict between her and Mom. Mom has told me she's not even sure where my memories come from since we didn't spend much time with her.

The fact that we spent such apparently little time yet the memories are so vivid just speaks volumes of how special the time we did spend was to me.

As we grew up, the distance between Mom and Gramma and the stage that teenagers go through of it not being cool to hang out with your family led to spending even less time with Gramma over the years.

I'm not exactly sure when Gramma started to "get sick." Gradually robbed of her memories and her life, first by dementia then later Alzheimer's. For a long time I would hear of her difficulties but not see them first hand. I don't even know for sure when Mom and Gramma resolved their issues. Perhaps they didn't; perhaps Mom just worked through them on her own and learned to let go of years grudges as she dealt with watching her own mother deteriorate.

What I do know, is that Mom and Aunt Lynda were taking care of Gramma more and more and before I knew it my own children were spending Saturdays at Gramma Rogers' with them helping with shopping and household chores. I was proud that they had that opportunity. Not many children have the luxury of having a great-grandparent around. My children were blessed with several great-grandparents on both sides of the family and it was important to me that they knew how special that was. Many conversations with Mom brought up the question "do you really want the kids to see Gramma this way?"

Yes. Yes I did. I certainly wouldn't have chosen to inflict this struggle on Gramma, but this is who she was now. Her illness didn't make her any less 'Gramma Rogers'. It didn't remove her from the family. To keep my children from seeing her "this way" would have meant keep them from seeing "her." Life can unfairly take those we love far too soon, far too often. I didn't want take Gramma away any faster then she was already slipping away from us. I also didn't think I would be doing my kids a favour by "protecting" them from the sad realities of ageing and illness.

Mom has recently become Gramma's primary care giver and Gramma has made the transition into living at Mom's permanently now. I've enjoyed spending time with Gramma again, and as I watch her slip further away I'm saddened and guilt ridden that I let all those years pass by in the middle. I may not be able to change the past, but I have complete control over the present.

And I'm taking advantage of that.

Last weekend I got to spend a brief moment with the old Gramma; the one I remember so lovingly as a child. Mom, Wee, Gramma and I were sitting in the gazebo as we have so often done this summer. The three of us gabbing and gossiping while Gramma sits quietly. I had my ipod playing, which was different - usually it's Wee's music. As some of my classic country tunes started playing Gramma started first to tap her foot, then clap her hands. It was nice to see her enjoying the music and I enjoyed quietly watching her. As Kenny Rogers' Lucille came on Gramma sat forward a little bit in her chair .... and I almost fell off mine when she sang - word for word, in perfect tune - the chorus:

"you picked a fine time to leave me Lucille.
with 4 hungry children and a crop in the field.
I've had some bad times, lived through some sad times,
but this time your hurtin' won't heal.
you picked a fine time to leave me Lucille."

Most of the time Gramma doesn't know who we are. She'll think I'm Mom and my kids are my sister and I when we were little. That's if we're lucky and it's a time when she's familiar with us at all. She dips her kleenex in her eggs like it was toast and eats it. She puts the phone in the fridge. Tries to walk around the house naked in front of others. Thinks she's lived at Mom's for 30 years. Screams and thinks Mom is trying to hurt her when she's getting her pyjamas on. Doesn't remember being married. Tells Mom she's not her daughter; says she doesn't have any children. Garbles sentences when she tries to answer questions so she's stopped even trying.

Somehow, for some reason, that song brought her back to us.

Even if just for that brief chorus. The most beautiful chorus I've ever heard.

It brought tears to my eyes, and another moment with Gramma Rogers that I'll treasure forever.

Happy Birthday Grampa

On the eve of what would have been your 82nd birthday .... I'm thinking of you, and I miss you.

8 months - in a nutshell

In no particular order, the following has defined the last 8 months of my life:

• DOODLEBUGZ - we adopted a new baby into our family! A 10 pound, 15 month old yappy, furry mixed breed baby. She's a Maltese Shih-tzu, and she's amazing.
• MBSR - Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction. A.K.A my new best friend. Not only has the practice taken my blood pressure from an average of 169/95 to 117/75, it has also given me the luxury of getting to know ME again. Perhaps, even for the first time.
• GEORGE - my eldest daughter. 17 going on 40. She has challenged me the most during the last few months. She's recently returned home after having been asked, not so politely, to leave in January. I swear it would be less painful to repeatedly smash my head against the corner of a brick wall. Please God, give me strength. I still have 3 girls coming up behind her.
• A NEW BEGINNING - after a period of feeling isolated and miles away from my husband, a mutual re-commitment to each other.
• ANOTHER NEW BEGINNING - after a 25+ year separation, my (step)dad's kids from his first marriage have made contact and want to re-connect with (their) our dad. It's been a new and exciting time. We can not erase the hurts of divorce and absence, but we can maturely take one day at a time and move forward from here. Welcome home Sam and Toni.
• BG - my first born, and only son moved out in February and has begun his life with his girlfriend of 5 years. I miss his presence; our conversations. I'm excited though for this new phase of his life and wish him and Megz all the best.
• HEALTH - I've faced a few challenges over the last few months. It's given me a renewed determination to shed these pounds. I owe it to myself and my children to take care of myself. I want to be here for them. I want to live to see, and enjoy, my grandchildren.

I'm sure more will come to me as soon as I climb into bed tonight and close my eyes. I've made a commitment to start to write again, so hopefully I won't go another 8 months between posts.

Finally at Peace

Grampa passed away today.

He had been sick for a long time. Too long. Forgive me, but I do not understand the concept of suffering. Why pain? Why prolonged?

It got to the point, as it did with Donna, when I started to pray for the end. With no chance of recovery, it is horrible to watch someone you love suffer in pain. Even praying for it, the end is something you can never fully prepare for. No matter how much you think you're ready .... you're just not.

I was honoured and privileged to have spent a lot of time with him after he was transferred to Scarborough. I am ashamed for not have taken the same time for him years ago.

Grampa, you were an amazing man. Strong. Proud. Funny. You raised a great family, and I'm proud to be a part of it. You will forever live on in the hearts and memories of the kids and I. We will truly miss you. Blessings to you Grampa, for the man that you were and the life that you shared. We love you.

Let memories surround you
A word someone may say
Will suddenly recapture
A time, an hour, a day
That brings me back as clearly
As though I am still here
And fills you with the feelings
That I am always near
For if you keep those moments
We’ll never be apart
And I will live forever
Locked safe within your heart.

(author unknown)

Lessons My Children Taught Me

Ok, now this thing was supposed to be easy! Yet even when I do manage to find the time to sit and blog, I find I'm constantly interrupted with phone calls, teenage drama, emotional meltdowns or arguments over clothes, make up, flat irons, the computer etc, etc, etc, etc.

I've registered my team Donna's Dragonflies for the Canadian Cancer Society's Relay for Life. This is my 3rd year participating in honour of my best friend Donna. We are coming up the first anniversary of Donna's death from metastatic breast cancer. I miss her everyday! I can still hear her familiar 'hi, it's me' just as clearly as I can hear my girls laughing down the hall. Many times I feel completely lost without her friendship. My goal for the relay is to personally raise $500 in her name.

Dieting is very sloooooooooooooow. I'm stalled at 245. I haven't yet learned to not use food as comfort. When I feel overwhelmed (which is more often then not these days), eating is the only thing I feel I have control over. As a teenager I used to starve myself to show others I had control, and now as an adult I do the opposite and binge to feel like I'm in control. What the hell am I trying to prove, and to whom? Can someone please explain to me why when I'm pissed off at work do I feel I have to go home and eat 3 plates of dinner just to 'show her?' More importantly, can someone tell me how to stop? Hopefully things will start to settle down at work soon, as there are only 15 days until Dr. Z leaves the practice. I heard a line in a movie recently which pretty much sums up my job .... "I'm in a job with little pay and no respect - but one which I happen to love."

I strive to lead my children by example but do find myself more often then I'd like in one of those do as I say, not as I do situations. This week was one of those such situations. I have tried to raise my kids to always look for the good in people and situations and not just focus on the negative. They will always come across people in their lifetime who they aren't going to like or get along with, but try to find at least one good quality in each person. Especially when they have had a bad day, I try to get them to name at least one good or positive thing that happened. The other day, after a usual stressful day at work, I came home to the girls arguing and proceeded to rant about how crappy my day at work had been and how I really wasn't in the mood for more stress at home. In the middle of it all, Gingo stopped me and asked me if there was anything good about my day. Pudge joined her and I soon found myself smiling at my 2 youngest children who had just made me eat my own words.

Thank you Pudge and Gingo. Not only did you teach me a lesson, but you more importantly proved that even though I often feel like I'm banging my head against a wall when it comes to parenting, I am actually getting through. I love you guys!