BIG Hugs.

So, here I am more than a week since my last post. Wow ... almost 2. Guess I have, yet again, failed NaBloPoMo's post a day :( I have been very busy with school, with Spring, with family issues.

Today, especially though, I need to take a few minutes to honour the memory of my best friend on the 4th anniversary of her passing from metastatic breast cancer.

Dear Donna,
I can't believe 4 long years have passed. I miss you dearly. I can't begin to tell you how many times I've glanced around my living room, and could swear I see you sitting there with me over tea. I miss our walks, our long conversations and our laughs. Often times my first reaction is still to pick up the phone to call you. I do talk to you; I hope you can hear me. You've inspired so many aspects of my life, including my recent trip back to the classroom and my desire to make a difference in the field of palliative care. Thank you for your friendship, your support and your unwavering belief in me. I hope I was as good a friend to you.

#33. Describe a favourite childhood friend.

My best childhood friend was Stacey.

We met at age 11 when my family made the move from the city. We had everything in common ... from the way we wore our hair, to our glasses, to our likes in boys, our classes at school; anything you can think of. Everyone thought we were sisters - some even asked if we were twins.

Tea with Donna

I learned today of the death of my late friend's father. No doubt he has been reunited in Heaven with his devoted daughter and loving wife - and together, over tea, they are watching over us all.

Rest in peace.

Our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. For they are us; our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life.

~Albert Einstein~

Thanks for the push, Donna!

It's a new beginning.

Again. And a new beginning deserves a new name.

It has been a long time since my last entry. I wouldn't be able to count the number of times I told myself to make the time to just do it. Tonight, while planning it in my head for the umpteenth time, a little voice whispered "a dog's breakfast" in my ear and it had to be!

As you get to know me, you'll learn that I am one who believes in signs. As I approach the second anniversary of the death of my best friend this Sunday, I know she's around me. 'A dog's breakfast' is a phrase she used quite often; and she always rode my ass for putting things off.

I'm not much of a writer. You won't find fancy here! Nor witty; clever. Hell, you probably won't even get proper grammatical English. What you will get is honesty, sincerity ... and what's in my heart! I call myself a passionate person, because everything I have goes into everything I do. I don't do things half way, and I don't feel things half way! With a husband, 5 kids, a full time job and numerous family commitments ... to describe my life as a roller coaster ride would be an understatement! I struggle far more often than I would like to .... with my marriage, my kids, my weight, my self esteem, my motivation -- my everything.

My hope through blogging is to vent; to talk myself through things. To resolve feelings and issues. To maintain, or should I say find some sanity. Primarily for me; indirectly and most importantly for my family.

What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself. (Hecato, Greek philosopher)

Love and hugs to all,
Me.

Lessons My Children Taught Me

Ok, now this thing was supposed to be easy! Yet even when I do manage to find the time to sit and blog, I find I'm constantly interrupted with phone calls, teenage drama, emotional meltdowns or arguments over clothes, make up, flat irons, the computer etc, etc, etc, etc.

I've registered my team Donna's Dragonflies for the Canadian Cancer Society's Relay for Life. This is my 3rd year participating in honour of my best friend Donna. We are coming up the first anniversary of Donna's death from metastatic breast cancer. I miss her everyday! I can still hear her familiar 'hi, it's me' just as clearly as I can hear my girls laughing down the hall. Many times I feel completely lost without her friendship. My goal for the relay is to personally raise $500 in her name.

Dieting is very sloooooooooooooow. I'm stalled at 245. I haven't yet learned to not use food as comfort. When I feel overwhelmed (which is more often then not these days), eating is the only thing I feel I have control over. As a teenager I used to starve myself to show others I had control, and now as an adult I do the opposite and binge to feel like I'm in control. What the hell am I trying to prove, and to whom? Can someone please explain to me why when I'm pissed off at work do I feel I have to go home and eat 3 plates of dinner just to 'show her?' More importantly, can someone tell me how to stop? Hopefully things will start to settle down at work soon, as there are only 15 days until Dr. Z leaves the practice. I heard a line in a movie recently which pretty much sums up my job .... "I'm in a job with little pay and no respect - but one which I happen to love."

I strive to lead my children by example but do find myself more often then I'd like in one of those do as I say, not as I do situations. This week was one of those such situations. I have tried to raise my kids to always look for the good in people and situations and not just focus on the negative. They will always come across people in their lifetime who they aren't going to like or get along with, but try to find at least one good quality in each person. Especially when they have had a bad day, I try to get them to name at least one good or positive thing that happened. The other day, after a usual stressful day at work, I came home to the girls arguing and proceeded to rant about how crappy my day at work had been and how I really wasn't in the mood for more stress at home. In the middle of it all, Gingo stopped me and asked me if there was anything good about my day. Pudge joined her and I soon found myself smiling at my 2 youngest children who had just made me eat my own words.

Thank you Pudge and Gingo. Not only did you teach me a lesson, but you more importantly proved that even though I often feel like I'm banging my head against a wall when it comes to parenting, I am actually getting through. I love you guys!