UGHH, UGGHHH and more UGGGHHHH

Another one of those friggin days. I seem to be having more and more of them lately ... I've even named them: My pity party for one.

There's so much 'in between' that I haven't posted. I'm overloaded with teenage drama.

Playing the waiting game with Lou ready to deliver anyday now. Stressed over her health and the health of her baby with the news that Lou has a kidney problem which can not be fully investigated until she delivers. The OB ordered a Bio Physical Profile on the baby based on concerns that he has stopped growing. She moved back home in December, but she's a teenager in love and Kmaq still has considerable influence in her life. He refuses to go to school, and refuses to work. He's an unmotivated 16 year old with "no use for adults." His mother actually signed papers giving permission for him to marry Lou .... because that will make everything magically better, and will limit the control they apparently think I have over the situation. Thankfully, Lou doesn't see that as a solution and is in no big hurry to marry. He also thinks being married will actually increase the amount of welfare they'll be to collect. Dream big there, Kmaq. Set that bar high! Lou busted her ass, working 2 jobs while continuing to go to school to try and prepare for this baby. She does not want to go on welfare, an argument she keeps having with him. I'm busting my ass too, trying to do everything I can to help her so she doesn't have to. Before Kmaq, Lou was focused. She knew what she wanted in life and had a plan for how to get there. She was 'the one' out of my five children who I had no doubt would follow her dreams and achieve every goal she set for herself. When I found out she was pregnant at 16, one of the first things she told me was she was not giving up on herself and she didn't want me to give up on her either. She acknowledged that having the baby would mean she'd have to work harder to reach her goals, and it would take longer. But she made a promise to herself and to her baby that she would get there. Yet the immaturity of her age has her thinking she can change Kmaq. UGHH.

George is ALL drama, ALL the time. I love her dearly, but I don't like her much these days. At 19 years of age I expect more from her. She feels, as an adult now, there are no rules. No more household chores. No more curfews. No questions to answer. No one to answer to. Who knew? Oh, and respect? She'll have none of that nonsense either. Suddenly, she has the right to treat people however she wants. The right to speak however she wants; to swear at her sisters and I. I've given her 2 options ... follow the rules and continue to live at home ... or leave. She has until Friday to decide. UGGHHH.

And then there's Gingo. Now, I understand she's dealing with a lot right now. First, being a 13 year old girl and all the hormonal puberty shit and rebelliousness that goes along with that. I was there once, and I do remember what it's like despite what my kids think. In addition, our family really has been turned upside down and sideways dealing with a teenage pregnancy. There has been much fighting, many tears, family separation, disappointment, uncertainty ... I could go on and on and on. I know she's getting mixed messages from me ... I mean how do I show love and support to Lou without sending the message to the others that I approve of Lou's situation?

I'm tired. Goodnight.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.

Can you hear me singing?

I can be honest here, my singing is easier on the ears then my dance moves are on the eyes!

Yes, tomorrow all my (not-so-little) kidlets go back to school. Grade 7 for Gingo, Grade 8 for Pudge, Grade 11 for Lou and Grade 12 for George. George should have graduated last year, but unfortunately her social life got in the way of school and so her studies fell by the wayside. She's in a new school this year so we hopefully won't have the same trouble. She'll also be under the watchful eye of her sister Lou. For grades 9-12(a) she went to a performing arts school and not her home high school. I wish she had graduated from the program, but she had been told her education had to come before performing, and if she couldn't do both I would pull her out of the program so she could (and would) concentrate on school. Lou and George have actually started getting along in the last few months, which I am so thankful for. It's nice to know they have eachother to confide in and look out for one another.

It's also a new school for Gingo, going to junior high. Being only one year younger then Pudge, they've spent most of their time together. I think they're looking forward to being at the same school together again. They do have their fights, but they are close and when one is not home or upset the other is lost. They too, confide in one another and look out for eachother.

So the lunches are made. The backpacks are packed. The first-day outfits have been selected. The kids are ready and mostly excited about the new school year.

And I'm dancing and singing, "it's the most wonderful time ....."

Back to School Shopping

So, shopping today was like Christmas shopping in September. The stores were insane! And obviously I was insane for being out in them.

The girls had a couple of gift cards to use, so I foolishly took them out when I went shopping for groceries. It's been a long time since I took the kids grocery shopping. Usually, that's been peach's and my time out without the kids. As unexciting as that sounds, it's been our thing to do together.

So off we went, peach, pudge, gingo and I. We decided we'd shop for the clothes before the groceries. Gingo is just like me; very indecisive. She found lots of stuff that she liked, but wanted to keep looking just in case she found something better. I couldn't keep pudge away from the summer clearance clothing. She wanted to look at tank tops and flip flops. I told her I wasn't spending money on summer clothing as we were heading into fall.

I had been telling the girls all morning that I couldn't afford to buy them anything more than a pair of pants and a top to start school. Constantly cautioned them that if they bugged for more, they'd end up with nothing. Well, they were really good; I was the one who kept saying "oohh, look at this!" or "try this one on." In the end, after all was said and done, we spent over $200 on back to school clothes for the 2 of them. Their gift cards amounted to less then $20. George and Lou were working today, but I'm sure it'll hit the fan when they find out their sisters went out and bought new clothes while they got nothing.

After 3 stores for clothes shopping, we hurried to make the 3 stores we had to get to for grocery shopping. I was stressed, and now I'm pooped. The girls are thrilled with their new stuff. Peach and I both got a big hug and kiss from each of the girls and I 'thank you' which I appreciated. Sometimes I feel they get so much, that it's not truly appreciated. It meant a lot to me that they took that 30 seconds to acknowledge something they hadn't been expecting.

As stressed as I was, I also enjoyed the experience. As my girls get older, I know they'll need me less for things like shopping for clothes and won't always want my input or company.

I'll take what I can now, and enjoy it while it lasts.

Meltdown Timeline - Part 1

July 4th -
Pudge: Mom, my phone's not working; the screen is black.
Mom: What?! It's only 3 months old. Fine, we'll take it in to be looked at.

July 5th -
Pudge: Are we taking it in today?
Me: ignored request.

July 6th -
Pudge: Are we taking it in today?
Me: ignored request.

July 7th -
Pudge: MOMMMM! Please can we take it today!
Mom: Yes. Go tell your dad.

Wireless Store Associate: Hi, can I help you?
Peach: My daughter's phone is not working. It's new; it won't turn on.
Wireless Store Associate: It's $50 to do the estimate. If the damage is covered by warranty you get the $50 back. If not, we'll apply the $50 fee against the cost of repair. It takes a week to ten days for the estimate. Here's a loaner phone in the meantime.
Hands Peach a dirty, used phone with fewer features then the one that's being sent in. Pudge is NOT happy. Peach tries to pay the fee with his debit card.
Wireless Store Associate: Oh, we don't take debit.
Peach: What? You have a machine right there.
Wireless Store Associate: Yeah, but that's for sales only. For repairs we only take cash.
Peach: Fine. I'll be right back.
goes to bank machine; withdraws $60.00 in twenty dollar bills. Goes back to store and hands Wireless Store Associate the $60.00
Wireless Store Associate: Oh, I'm sorry sir. We don't have change?
Peach: What? You only take cash payments for repairs, but you don't have change.
Wireless Store Associate: laughs.
Peach pays $60 for the $50 estimate and leaves the store.

Later at home -
Peach relays conversation with me.
Me: WHAAAT?! Fifty bucks for the estimate?! The phone only cost $25.
Peach: See, this is why I don't like doing these kinds of things. Next time, you go.

Week one passes. Pudge does not like her loaner phone. No camera feature. No music feature. I tell her to be happy she has one at all, and she goes away sulking.

Week two passes.

Gingo: Mom, my phone's not working. The screen is black.
Pudge: That's the same thing that happened to my phone!
Me: Well, I'm not sending yours in until I find out what's wrong with Pudge's. I'm not paying $50 ... no, make the $60 for an estimate on a $25 phone.
Peach flashes me a not-so-loving look. I smile.

Week three arrives. Pudge is warned if she bugs me about her phone one more time ....

Pudge: Mom, PLEEEAAASSSEEEE. It's been three weeks and I still don't have my phone. They said it would take one to two weeks. Can you call them? Please, I'll do anything.
Me: Yes, I'll call tomorrow. I didn't call.

Week four passes. Pudge constantly nags me about her phone. Gingo nags about not having any phone at all and tells Pudge she should be happy because at least she still has one to use.

Week five passes. Nagging now reaches new and bothersome level of harassment. Gingo and Pudge are continuously arguing over which one of them is worse off ... the one with the phone she doesn't like or the one with no cell at all. I wonder how did I ever survive my teenage years back in our day of no cell phones ....

Pudge: MOM! Please call about my phone.
Me: OMG. Fine! I'll call now.
Pudge: Thank you Mommy. I love you.
Gets repair ticket receipt out and grabs for the phone. Dials number only to get recording "the number you've reached is not in service."
Me: Well, perhaps this is why we haven't heard from the store; we'll stop by there tomorrow and see what's going on.

August 17th -
Peach and I take a trip to the store. They are still open.
Wireless Store Associate: Hello, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I brought a phone in for repair and it was sent out for an estimate. That was 6 weeks ago tomorrow and we haven't heard from anyone yet.
W.S.A: Wow. Let me check the back.
Me: waiting not so patiently.
W.S.A: Ummm. It's not back yet.
Me: Why not?
W.S.A: I don't know. I can't call anyone until tomorrow because it's after 5pm.
Me: Well, I've waiting this long, what's one more day. Can you please make sure you call tomorrow on my husband's cell?
W.S.A: No problem.
Me: Oh, and by the way ... I tried to phone the store but the number that's printed on your receipt is out service.
W.S.A. studies the repair ticket closely with a confused look as she tells us the phone is working just fine. Suddenly, she laughs and tells us: Look, that's why - the phone number on here is a typo!

I'm soooooo not impressed. I go home and call R*g**s.

Me: Hello, I'd like to make a complaint please about one of your stores...

My Front-Up Plan

Kids. You gotta love 'em.

They have a way of making you smile, even when you think it not possible. I am very tired tonight. Not sleeping well at night .... not getting along with hubby .... financial stresses. I could go on and on. Listening to Gingo and Lou complain about their homework this evening was just what I didn't want to hear.

Then Gingo read me her short story. I caught bits and pieces here and there in between Lou's math problems:

young girl .... bucket of milk .... sell milk, buy chickens ..... sell eggs, get money .... buy dress ..... get hair done ..... look beautiful ..... spilled her milk ....

Gingo had to summarize the story and came to the conclusion that the moral of the story is to always have a back-up plan. I figured I'd take it one step further and ask "and why is it a good idea to have a back-up plan, Gingo?"

Her response: "In case your front-up plan doesn't work!"

And it's as simple as that.

Even as Lou teased her, and told her there is no such thing as a 'front-up' plan - Gingo wouldn't budge. She enjoyed the snicker with Lou and I, but stood firm. The opposite of back is front, therefore you would need a back-up plan in case your front-up plan didn't work. Period. End of discussion.

For all of the extra baggage we carry as adults; the hurts we carry forward; the anger we can't let go of .... If we could all just step back, and see things with the simplicity and innocence of a child ... wouldn't we all be so much happier!

Makes my ongoing battle with hubby look silly. I've actually started calling them my marital bliss-ters. Yes, blisters. A 'flaw on the surface.' Mildly painful. Mostly irritating. Only skin deep. Something that with time and some tender loving care will heal. I hope. (Most days, anyway).

I'm so good at complicated. I redefine complicated. I own complicated. Maybe I'm so wrapped up in the emotion. The worry. The drama. That I've lost sight of what matters. What's real. What's now.

Maybe I need to re-evaluate my front-up plan.

Lessons My Children Taught Me

Ok, now this thing was supposed to be easy! Yet even when I do manage to find the time to sit and blog, I find I'm constantly interrupted with phone calls, teenage drama, emotional meltdowns or arguments over clothes, make up, flat irons, the computer etc, etc, etc, etc.

I've registered my team Donna's Dragonflies for the Canadian Cancer Society's Relay for Life. This is my 3rd year participating in honour of my best friend Donna. We are coming up the first anniversary of Donna's death from metastatic breast cancer. I miss her everyday! I can still hear her familiar 'hi, it's me' just as clearly as I can hear my girls laughing down the hall. Many times I feel completely lost without her friendship. My goal for the relay is to personally raise $500 in her name.

Dieting is very sloooooooooooooow. I'm stalled at 245. I haven't yet learned to not use food as comfort. When I feel overwhelmed (which is more often then not these days), eating is the only thing I feel I have control over. As a teenager I used to starve myself to show others I had control, and now as an adult I do the opposite and binge to feel like I'm in control. What the hell am I trying to prove, and to whom? Can someone please explain to me why when I'm pissed off at work do I feel I have to go home and eat 3 plates of dinner just to 'show her?' More importantly, can someone tell me how to stop? Hopefully things will start to settle down at work soon, as there are only 15 days until Dr. Z leaves the practice. I heard a line in a movie recently which pretty much sums up my job .... "I'm in a job with little pay and no respect - but one which I happen to love."

I strive to lead my children by example but do find myself more often then I'd like in one of those do as I say, not as I do situations. This week was one of those such situations. I have tried to raise my kids to always look for the good in people and situations and not just focus on the negative. They will always come across people in their lifetime who they aren't going to like or get along with, but try to find at least one good quality in each person. Especially when they have had a bad day, I try to get them to name at least one good or positive thing that happened. The other day, after a usual stressful day at work, I came home to the girls arguing and proceeded to rant about how crappy my day at work had been and how I really wasn't in the mood for more stress at home. In the middle of it all, Gingo stopped me and asked me if there was anything good about my day. Pudge joined her and I soon found myself smiling at my 2 youngest children who had just made me eat my own words.

Thank you Pudge and Gingo. Not only did you teach me a lesson, but you more importantly proved that even though I often feel like I'm banging my head against a wall when it comes to parenting, I am actually getting through. I love you guys!