Happy Birthday Grampa

On the eve of what would have been your 82nd birthday .... I'm thinking of you, and I miss you.

8 months - in a nutshell

In no particular order, the following has defined the last 8 months of my life:

• DOODLEBUGZ - we adopted a new baby into our family! A 10 pound, 15 month old yappy, furry mixed breed baby. She's a Maltese Shih-tzu, and she's amazing.
• MBSR - Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction. A.K.A my new best friend. Not only has the practice taken my blood pressure from an average of 169/95 to 117/75, it has also given me the luxury of getting to know ME again. Perhaps, even for the first time.
• GEORGE - my eldest daughter. 17 going on 40. She has challenged me the most during the last few months. She's recently returned home after having been asked, not so politely, to leave in January. I swear it would be less painful to repeatedly smash my head against the corner of a brick wall. Please God, give me strength. I still have 3 girls coming up behind her.
• A NEW BEGINNING - after a period of feeling isolated and miles away from my husband, a mutual re-commitment to each other.
• ANOTHER NEW BEGINNING - after a 25+ year separation, my (step)dad's kids from his first marriage have made contact and want to re-connect with (their) our dad. It's been a new and exciting time. We can not erase the hurts of divorce and absence, but we can maturely take one day at a time and move forward from here. Welcome home Sam and Toni.
• BG - my first born, and only son moved out in February and has begun his life with his girlfriend of 5 years. I miss his presence; our conversations. I'm excited though for this new phase of his life and wish him and Megz all the best.
• HEALTH - I've faced a few challenges over the last few months. It's given me a renewed determination to shed these pounds. I owe it to myself and my children to take care of myself. I want to be here for them. I want to live to see, and enjoy, my grandchildren.

I'm sure more will come to me as soon as I climb into bed tonight and close my eyes. I've made a commitment to start to write again, so hopefully I won't go another 8 months between posts.

My Front-Up Plan

Kids. You gotta love 'em.

They have a way of making you smile, even when you think it not possible. I am very tired tonight. Not sleeping well at night .... not getting along with hubby .... financial stresses. I could go on and on. Listening to Gingo and Lou complain about their homework this evening was just what I didn't want to hear.

Then Gingo read me her short story. I caught bits and pieces here and there in between Lou's math problems:

young girl .... bucket of milk .... sell milk, buy chickens ..... sell eggs, get money .... buy dress ..... get hair done ..... look beautiful ..... spilled her milk ....

Gingo had to summarize the story and came to the conclusion that the moral of the story is to always have a back-up plan. I figured I'd take it one step further and ask "and why is it a good idea to have a back-up plan, Gingo?"

Her response: "In case your front-up plan doesn't work!"

And it's as simple as that.

Even as Lou teased her, and told her there is no such thing as a 'front-up' plan - Gingo wouldn't budge. She enjoyed the snicker with Lou and I, but stood firm. The opposite of back is front, therefore you would need a back-up plan in case your front-up plan didn't work. Period. End of discussion.

For all of the extra baggage we carry as adults; the hurts we carry forward; the anger we can't let go of .... If we could all just step back, and see things with the simplicity and innocence of a child ... wouldn't we all be so much happier!

Makes my ongoing battle with hubby look silly. I've actually started calling them my marital bliss-ters. Yes, blisters. A 'flaw on the surface.' Mildly painful. Mostly irritating. Only skin deep. Something that with time and some tender loving care will heal. I hope. (Most days, anyway).

I'm so good at complicated. I redefine complicated. I own complicated. Maybe I'm so wrapped up in the emotion. The worry. The drama. That I've lost sight of what matters. What's real. What's now.

Maybe I need to re-evaluate my front-up plan.

Beautiful Roses From My Beautiful Daughter

Dear Lou,

Thank you for the beautiful flowers today. Red and yellow roses. They look absolutely gorgeous on my table, and certainly do bring a smile to my face every time I look at them. It means so much that you thought of me. It really did cheer me up!

Love and hugga buggas

Mommy.

Finally at Peace

Grampa passed away today.

He had been sick for a long time. Too long. Forgive me, but I do not understand the concept of suffering. Why pain? Why prolonged?

It got to the point, as it did with Donna, when I started to pray for the end. With no chance of recovery, it is horrible to watch someone you love suffer in pain. Even praying for it, the end is something you can never fully prepare for. No matter how much you think you're ready .... you're just not.

I was honoured and privileged to have spent a lot of time with him after he was transferred to Scarborough. I am ashamed for not have taken the same time for him years ago.

Grampa, you were an amazing man. Strong. Proud. Funny. You raised a great family, and I'm proud to be a part of it. You will forever live on in the hearts and memories of the kids and I. We will truly miss you. Blessings to you Grampa, for the man that you were and the life that you shared. We love you.

Let memories surround you
A word someone may say
Will suddenly recapture
A time, an hour, a day
That brings me back as clearly
As though I am still here
And fills you with the feelings
That I am always near
For if you keep those moments
We’ll never be apart
And I will live forever
Locked safe within your heart.

(author unknown)

Thanks for the push, Donna!

It's a new beginning.

Again. And a new beginning deserves a new name.

It has been a long time since my last entry. I wouldn't be able to count the number of times I told myself to make the time to just do it. Tonight, while planning it in my head for the umpteenth time, a little voice whispered "a dog's breakfast" in my ear and it had to be!

As you get to know me, you'll learn that I am one who believes in signs. As I approach the second anniversary of the death of my best friend this Sunday, I know she's around me. 'A dog's breakfast' is a phrase she used quite often; and she always rode my ass for putting things off.

I'm not much of a writer. You won't find fancy here! Nor witty; clever. Hell, you probably won't even get proper grammatical English. What you will get is honesty, sincerity ... and what's in my heart! I call myself a passionate person, because everything I have goes into everything I do. I don't do things half way, and I don't feel things half way! With a husband, 5 kids, a full time job and numerous family commitments ... to describe my life as a roller coaster ride would be an understatement! I struggle far more often than I would like to .... with my marriage, my kids, my weight, my self esteem, my motivation -- my everything.

My hope through blogging is to vent; to talk myself through things. To resolve feelings and issues. To maintain, or should I say find some sanity. Primarily for me; indirectly and most importantly for my family.

What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself. (Hecato, Greek philosopher)

Love and hugs to all,
Me.

Off the Wagon

yup! It's been 10 months to the day since my last post. I fell off the wagon. Again. The diet was fairly successful. I was down to 214 pounds ... less then I have weighed in years! Yay me!

And then life got in the way. A new job, a stressful time in my marriage, rebellious kids all add up to 20 pounds. Yes, I'm ashamed to say I've regained 20 pounds. Just goes to prove that you don't lose weight by simply shedding the pounds. It's lifestyle, it's attitude, it's control, it's sooooo much more.

Anyway, here goes number umpteenth and one. My new first step.

Lessons My Children Taught Me

Ok, now this thing was supposed to be easy! Yet even when I do manage to find the time to sit and blog, I find I'm constantly interrupted with phone calls, teenage drama, emotional meltdowns or arguments over clothes, make up, flat irons, the computer etc, etc, etc, etc.

I've registered my team Donna's Dragonflies for the Canadian Cancer Society's Relay for Life. This is my 3rd year participating in honour of my best friend Donna. We are coming up the first anniversary of Donna's death from metastatic breast cancer. I miss her everyday! I can still hear her familiar 'hi, it's me' just as clearly as I can hear my girls laughing down the hall. Many times I feel completely lost without her friendship. My goal for the relay is to personally raise $500 in her name.

Dieting is very sloooooooooooooow. I'm stalled at 245. I haven't yet learned to not use food as comfort. When I feel overwhelmed (which is more often then not these days), eating is the only thing I feel I have control over. As a teenager I used to starve myself to show others I had control, and now as an adult I do the opposite and binge to feel like I'm in control. What the hell am I trying to prove, and to whom? Can someone please explain to me why when I'm pissed off at work do I feel I have to go home and eat 3 plates of dinner just to 'show her?' More importantly, can someone tell me how to stop? Hopefully things will start to settle down at work soon, as there are only 15 days until Dr. Z leaves the practice. I heard a line in a movie recently which pretty much sums up my job .... "I'm in a job with little pay and no respect - but one which I happen to love."

I strive to lead my children by example but do find myself more often then I'd like in one of those do as I say, not as I do situations. This week was one of those such situations. I have tried to raise my kids to always look for the good in people and situations and not just focus on the negative. They will always come across people in their lifetime who they aren't going to like or get along with, but try to find at least one good quality in each person. Especially when they have had a bad day, I try to get them to name at least one good or positive thing that happened. The other day, after a usual stressful day at work, I came home to the girls arguing and proceeded to rant about how crappy my day at work had been and how I really wasn't in the mood for more stress at home. In the middle of it all, Gingo stopped me and asked me if there was anything good about my day. Pudge joined her and I soon found myself smiling at my 2 youngest children who had just made me eat my own words.

Thank you Pudge and Gingo. Not only did you teach me a lesson, but you more importantly proved that even though I often feel like I'm banging my head against a wall when it comes to parenting, I am actually getting through. I love you guys!

Believe .... By Wish Belkin, © 2002

Believe in rewards that await you,
believe in the harvest in store.
Believe that the spring will awaken,
believe you'll be sowing once more.
Believe that there's a tomorrow,
where no one cares if you can't dance.
Believe in the future's promise,
each new day brings a new chance.
Believe you can make you goals happen,
they're just dreams with a deadline attached.
Believe that you have the power,
believe that you're more than a match.
Believe in a shared existence,
you're not alone this is true.
Believe that right now there is someone,
who believes in the wonder that's you.

Girl's Night Countdown

Reward Day ... weigh in today 245 and 3/4. It's been a loooong week. Stress at work, fighting at home. Unfortunately for me, stress equals eating. Our luncheon at work today was Chinese Food - my favourite! We don't have it at home, because for a family of 7 it's outside our budget so it's a big treat for me when we have it at work.

Friday night I'm off to JW's until Saturday. I'm really looking forward to some girl time. Away from the kids, away from hubby, away from patients and doctors. Down time to relax, have a few drinks and gab with a friend. Originally we were going to get together Sunday, but hubby and I are having a Super Bowl mini-party on Sunday. Does wanting to get away for a day so bad make me a bad mother/wife? I know I'll come home in a better frame of mind .... JW and I will each vent about our hubbies, our kids, our bills, our jobs. She'll tell me what she agrees with, and also when I need to grow up and get over it. I'll take comfort in knowing I'm not the only one going through these things and that I'm not crazy ... and I'll feel better.